You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college. Meredith Grey of Grey"s Anatomy. Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact， I look forward to next years"Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate， Count Chocula. Of course， your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man， can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisionsHa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now I know what you"re going to say， Dartmouth， you"re going to say， well"We"ve got Dr. Seuss."Well guess what， we"re all tired of hearing about Dr. Seuss. Face it：The man rhymed fafl oozle with saznoozle. In the literary community， that"s called cheating.
Your insecurity is so great， Dartmouth， that you don"t even think you deserve a real podium. I"m sorry. What the hell is this thingIt looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor：Nova Scotia. Seriously， it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.
No， Dartmouth， you must stand tall. Raise your heads high and feel proud.
Because if Harvard， Yale， and Princeton are your self-involved， vain， name-dropping older brothers， you are the cool， sexually confi dent， lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. Brown， of course， is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room. And Penn， Columbia， and Cornell-well， frankly， who gives a shit.
Yes， I"ve always had a special bond with this school. In fact， this is my second time coming here. When I was 17 years old and touring colleges， way back in the fall of 1980，I came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place back then. I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and， after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions， I came to this beautiful campus. No dormitories had been built yet， so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River Junction. It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months. I was forced to eat the mule， who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur traders. Still， I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to return.
But fate dealt a heavy blow. With no money， I was forced to enroll in a small， local commuter school， a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River. I was a miserable wretch， and to this day I cannot help but wonder：What if I had gone to Dartmouth
If I had gone to Dartmouth， I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life， as well as most types of rock.
If I had gone to Dartmouth， right now I"d be wearing a fl eece thong instead of a lace thong.
If I had gone to Dartmouth， I still wouldn"t know the second verse to"Dear Old Dartmouth."Face it， none of you do. You all mumble that part.
If I had gone to Dartmouth， I"d have a liver， the size and consistency of a bean bag chair.
Finally， if I had gone to Dartmouth， today I"d be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome that would be.
You are a great school， and you deserve a historic commencement address. That"s right， I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world. To do this， I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous"Iron Curtain"speech at Westminster College in 1946.JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963.Today， I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth：I call it"The Conan Doctrine."Under"The Conan Doctrine"：
-All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master"s degrees. All master"s degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.
-Under"The Conan Doctrine"，Winter Carnival will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional， all expenses paid by the Alumni Association.
-Your nickname， the Big Green， will be changed to something more kick-ass like"The Jade Blade"，the"Sea foam Avenger"，or simply"Lime-Zilla".
-The D-Plan and"quarter system"will finally be updated to"the one sixty-fourth system."Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off. They must， however， be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of July.
-Under"The Conan Doctrine"，I will re-instate Tubestock. And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a fi eld and a beer. I happen to know that in two years， they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock， seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk. Don"t let those bastards do it.
And fi nally， under"The Conan Doctrine"，all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap， inside references designed to get childish applause， will be forced to apologize-to the greatest graduating class in the history of the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules！
Besides policy， another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep， profound advice like"reach for the stars". Well today， I am not going to waste your time with empty clichés. Instead， I am going to give you real， practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.
-First， adult acne lasts longer than you think. I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye.
-Guys， this is important：You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.
-Here"s another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long， you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.
-And fi nally， wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the fi rst of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life.
Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well. Parents， you should write this down：
-Many of your children， you haven"t seen them in four years. Well， now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn"t working.
